The Whole Hearted Parenting Manifesto ~ Brene Brown

The Wholehearted Parenting Manifesto

Above all else, I want you to know that you are loved and lovable. You will learn this from my words and actions--the lessons on love are in how I treat you and how I treat myself.

I want you to engage with the world from a place of worthiness. You will learn that you are worthy of love, belonging, and joy every time you see me practice self-compassion and embrace my own imperfections.

We will practice courage in our family by showing up, letting ourselves be seen, and honoring vulnerability. We will share our stories of struggle and strength. There will always be room in our home for both.

We will teach you compassion by practicing compassion with ourselves first; then with each other. We will set and respect boundaries; we will honor hard work, hope, and perseverance. Rest and play will be family values, as well as family practices.

You will learn accountability and respect by watching me make mistakes and make amends, and by watching how I ask for what I need and talk about how I feel.

I want you to know joy, so together we will practice gratitude.

I want you to feel joy, so together we will learn how to be vulnerable.

When uncertainty and scarcity visit, you will be able to draw from the spirit that is a part of our everyday life.

Together we will cry and face fear and grief. I will want to take away your pain, but instead I will sit with you and teach you how to feel it.

We will laugh and sing and dance and create. We will always have permission to be ourselves with each other. No matter what, you will always belong here.

As you begin your Wholehearted journey, the greatest gift that I can give to you is to live and love with my whole heart and to dare greatly.

I will not teach or love or show you anything perfectly, but I will let you see me, and I will always hold sacred the gift of seeing you. Truly, deeply, seeing you.

The Sunday Search

I really liked an idea that Karen presented in her book Making Sunday Special. 

She talked about "The Sunday Search". 

"The Sunday Search is a spiritual discipline designed in the form of a game with three rules. We go to church, anticipating, How will Christ speak to me? (rule one) and How will Christ speak through me? (rule two). Then We must talk about it (rule three)."

I love this idea because it encourages all of us in our family to have an expectation to hear from God, to be used of God, and accountability in sharing both of them together as a family. It's so easy to go to church with no expectation that God is going to speak to me personally, or that God would use me to speak into someone else's life. Both of these have to be intentional in our lives and in our parenting. God uses worship, the time of greeting others, the offering, the sermon, the altar call, and the time of fellowshipping afterwards to speak to us. And, He can use us in a variety of ways to "speak" into someone else's life whether that be a compliment, word of encouragement, an act of service or even a hug.

So, early Sunday morning last week I told the kids that this is what we were going to do. They liked the idea. After church, when we were home and had eaten lunch we all met in the boys' room and shared our answers. It was powerful to hear my kids share what they believed God had spoken to them at church and how God used them.  They were just as eager to hear Josh and I share our answers.

I love this game and will continue to do it with my kids. It teaches them that God will speak to them at church and that they play a vital role as church members, too.

Be expectant as you look to see how God will speak to you and an opportunity to speak into someone else's life!

A Tale of Two Households

"I got two A's," the small boy said.

His voice was filled with glee.

His father very bluntly asked,

"Why didn't you get three?"

"Mom, I've got the dishes done,"

The girl called from the door.

Her mother very calmly said,

"Did you sweep the floor?'

"I mowed the grass," the tall boy said,

"And put the mower away."

His father asked him with a shrug,

"Did you clean off the clay?'

The children in the house next door

Seemed happy and content.

The same things happened over there,

But this is how it went.

"I got two A's," the small boy said.

His voice was filled with glee.

His father proudly said, "That's great;

I'm glad you belong to me."

"Mom, I got the dishes done,"

The girl called from the door.

Her mother smiled softly and said,

"Each day I love you more."

"I've mowed the grass," the tall boy said.

"And put the mower away."

His father answered with much joy,

"You've made my happy day!"

Children deserve just simple praise 

For the tasks they're asked to do.

If they're to lead a happy life,

So much depends on you!

~Author Unknown

as quoted in The Power of a Woman's Words by Sharon Jaynes

How I Learn

Tell me, and I forget

Teach me, and I remember

Involve me, and I learn

~Benjamin Franklin

Helpful Tip Tuesday: Preparing For Father's Day

10 Ideas For A Fabulous Unforgettable Father's Day

1.  If you can't be together, mark your calendar so you will be sure to call your father. Include comments about what he means to you as a father, mentor, and friend.

2.  Pick a photo of you and your father together and write a note to him about why the picture is meaningful to you. Send it in time to arrive a day before Father's Day.

3.  Buy tickets to a game of his favortie sport and go together.

4.  Offer to join him at his church for the Father's Day services.

5.  Write him a letter thanking him for two or more traits he taught you that really make you a more successful person.

6.  Record a cassette for him that shares a special memory of childhood that you both cherish so he can enjoy it in the car or at home.

7.  Order a beef stick and and cheese box, or some other favorite snack gift package, and have it delivered a day early. Enclose a card that says you will join him to watch a game or movie of his choice.

8.  Make a video for him of your childhood home and include a commentary on memories and lessons you really value from your childhood.

9.  Take him to a dinner place of his choice and surprise him with two or three of his friends that he may not see often. Plan this for the day before or after Father's Day so they will be available.

10.   Ask your brothers and sisters to join you in writing notes sharing how your father's influence and availability over the years benefited your family life. Include them in a memory book with a nice masculine cover.


~Daniel L. Mcauley
Father of three, grandfather of six
as quoted in Lists To Live By

Quote from John MacArthur

"The most important responsibility of love 

for believing parents is to lead their children to 

a saving knowledge of Jesus Christ."

~John MacArthur

Helpful Tip Tuesday: A Parent's "Never To Do" List

"Things NEVER, NEVER (well hardly ever) to do!

Don't threaten-you decimate your own authority.

Don't bribe-bargaining usually makes you the loser.

Don't lose your temper-a clear demonstration of lack of control.

Don't refuse to explain-they'll go elsewhere and you're on the outside.

Don't use sarcasm or embarrassment-the fastest way to demolish a relationship.

Don't dash their dreams-your ticket into the next generation gap."

~taken from Heaven Help The Home by Howard G. Hendricks

What else would you add to the parent's "NEVER To Do" list?

As I Grow

As I Grow

Please...

Understand that I am 

growing up and changing

very fast. It must be difficult to keep pace with

me, but please try.

Listen to me and give me 

brief, clear answers to my

questions. Then I will keep 

sharing my thoughts and

feelings.

Reward me for telling the

truth. Then I am not 

frightened into lying.

Tell me when you make

mistakes and what you

learned from them. Then I

can accept that I am OK,

even when I blunder.

Pay attention to me, and

spend time with me. Then I

can believe that I am

important and worthwhile.

Do the things you want

me to do. Then I have a 

good, positive model.

Trust and respect me.

Even though I am smaller

than you, I have feelings

and needs just like you.

Compliment and

appreciate me. Then I'll 

feel good, and I'll want to

continue to please you.

Help me explore my

unique interests, talents 

and potential. In order for

me to be happy, I need to be

me, and not you or someone

you want me to be.

Be an individual and

create your own happiness.

Then you can teach me the 

same, and I can live a 

happy, successful and

fulfilling life.

~Helene Rothschild

Quote for Mothers

"Children are natural mimics-they act like their parents in spite of every attempt to teach them good manners."

~Anonymous

Book Review: "Don't Make Me Count to Three!"

Discipline Directions For a Mother 

 Five summers ago my family was on a vacation together with my husband's immediate family. One afternoon I saw my mother-in-law reading, “Don’t Make Me Count to Three!” by Ginger Plowman. She didn’t have any "young" children at the time, the youngest was eleven years old. Yet, she still read a parenting book. It inspired me because she wanted to be the best possible mother. Needless to say, I was taken with the book. I happily received it as a birthday gift from her a month later.

Best For: Mothers to be reminded of their high calling to train their child(ren) in God’s ways; mothers who need practical steps to administer righteous discipline; mothers who have questions about discipline and getting their child(ren) to think like a Christian

Overview:  Ginger encourages parents to train their child in righteousness by “work[ing] through what a biblical response should have been [in a situation]. Second, have the child follow through with it.” In the book, Ginger answers various questions parents may have: 

What is discipline?

What is the responsibility of the parent?

What are the guidelines for verbally correcting my child?

What are the world’s strategies to get our child to obey?

How should my child obey?

 Few Quotes:

“It is not difficult to train our children to act like Christians. We have really accomplished something when we have trained them to think like Christians. Thinking like a Christian will help them grow in wisdom and prepare them to govern their own behavior in a way that will glorify God.”

“But don’t make the mistake that so many parents make and allow your desire for changed behavior to replace your desire for a changed heart. If you can reach the heart, the behavior will take care of itself. Keep in mind that it is possible to cause your child to change his irritating behavior to that which is acceptable without an actual heart change taking place.”

 “Most importantly, we are training them and preparing them to obey Jesus. Parents are often responsible for the habits of their children. We want them to be in the habit of obeying us the first time so that when they surrender to the Lordship of Jesus Christ they will find it easier to obey Him the first time. So before you begin your count to three, ask yourself, ‘Do I want my child to be in the habit of obeying God the first time, the second time, or the third time?'"

“A secure child is a child that knows his boundaries and is consistently corrected when he oversteps them.”

My Application:
In the book, Ginger shared how when kids are manipulative they are "acting foolishly".  I appreciated that because it's true. It struck a chord with me because that's how the Bible describes sin in our children. Proverbs 22:15 says, "Foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child; the rod of correction will drive it far from him." Our pastor, my father-in-law, taught us to use this word when our kids are foolish (disobey or sin). We tell them what they did was "foolish". We never tell our kids they are bad because they aren't. They are not bad kids. But, yes,  sometimes they are foolish. My husband and I do not want to speak it over them that they are bad, dumb, stupid, etc. In addition, we know our words hold life, and we speak life and truth over them.

 Also, I realized that most of my frustration as a parent happens when I have to repeat my instructions to my kids over and over again. But now, I look for opportunities to where I have stated an instruction, and I quickly respond if it is not obeyed the first time. I realized the hard truth that I am creating a pattern in my children and also in myself. In a way, I realized I have created my own frustration by not expecting them to obey the first time.


My Thoughts:

First, I love the way this book was written and the message communicated. As I read, it felt as if I was sitting down for a cup of coffee with another mother simply sharing about her personal experiences and how to reach the hearts of our children.

I love the chapter dedicated to “Managing the Manipulator”. It was very good and convicting. I was encouraged to not respond to manipulating statements, attitudes, or questions, but as Ginger says, “to answer him as his folly deserves”. I can't give a foolish response to foolish behavior. I must respond in a way that directs them to the Bible and God.

In addition, this book reminded me a lot of Lou Priolo’s book Teach Them Diligently that I wrote about here.

Ginger was so encouraging in the book to remind mothers of the high calling of motherhood from the Lord. I love when Ginger shared that "being a  mom is more than being cook, chauffeur, maid, counselor, doctor, referee, disciplinarian, etc. (just to name a few). It’s about molding character, building confidence, nurturing, training, and guiding. There is nothing like the influence that a mother has on her child. A mother’s influence has enormous potential to shape the person a child becomes, for good or ill.”

There were so many excellent points that Ginger made in regards to parenting.  She answered all of those questions listed above so well. It's a wonderful and very helpful resource for every parent. For my kids, fixing the outward behavior won't cut it, I have to  get a hold of their hearts.  If I don't, who will?

Teaching vs. Training

“Teaching gives knowledge. Training gives skill. Teaching fills the mind. Training shapes the habits. Teaching brings to the child that which he did not have before. Training enables a child to make use of that which is already his possession. We teach a child the meaning of words. We train a child in speaking and walking. We teach him the truths which we have learned for ourselves. We train him in habits of study, that he may be able to learn other truths for himself. Training and teaching must go on together in the wise upbringing of any and every child.”

~Lou Priolo, Teach Them Diligently

Book Review: Teach Them Diligently

 Teach Them Diligently

(How to use the Scriptures in child training) By Lou Priolo

Best For:   All parents who desire to train their kids, pointing to God and His Word, the Bible as the ultimate authority and standard to live our lives by.

Overview:  One of the most foundational parenting books in my opinion. It is more like a manual or reference book; the book is intended to teach the parent. The author gives insight into how to use the Scriptures in the Bible to teach, convict, correct and train your children. It is not an easy task, but an important one. As Priolo states, “It takes time to develop parenting skills. It takes time to drop whatever you may be doing and pick up your Bible to teach, convict, correct, or instruct your children-time that you would perhaps prefer to spend doing something else.” The author goes through the first four chapters defining and explaining what these four areas mean and how to apply Scripture in them. It’s very helpful how he also includes at the end of Chapter one some practical advice on teaching your kids Bible Scriptures. The appendix at the end of the book on Scripture texts for what the Bible says according to specific issues is extremely helpful. I also, really love the page after that on, “Questions that bring conviction…” how to ask the right questions that get to the heart.  In addition, the last chapter, “learning to use life’s instruction manual” is a great resource for applying Scripture to everyday situations.

Few Quotes:

“Communication involves more than just finding and using the right words (cf. Prov. 16:24). It also involves selecting an appropriate tone of voice (cf. Prov. 16:21) and non-verbal forms of communication (cf. Acts 12:17).”

In regards to memorizing Scriptures “Remember, this is a spiritual discipline. And the greatest enemy to discipline is your feelings. Keep in mind also that when a person memorizes just one verse of Scripture, he memorizes one element of God’s thinking. But when he internalizes an entire paragraph or chapter of the Bible, he memorizes God’s thought patterns.”

“Let’s take, for example, the biblical command to ‘Do everything without complaining or arguing’ (Phil. 2:14, NIV). Your task is to teach your child not only the meaning of the words arguing and complaining, but also how to apply it to a variety of situations that might occur in his everyday life.

·         ‘You may not argue or complain when you don’t like your breakfast.’

·         ‘You may not argue or complain when you have to stop playing.’

·         ‘You may not argue or complain when you are told to go to bed.’

·         ‘You may not argue or complain when you are told to do your homework.’

·         ‘You may not argue or complain when your will conflicts with the Lord’s.’ “

Application:   First of all I have been challenged to know and memorize God’s Word. I have tried to implement the strategies in this book each time I go to correct one of my children or get to the heart of a situation they have with one of their siblings.   I tell them a scripture in the Bible that deals with that specifically, or simply ask, “What does the Bible say about that?” For example, one of my kids does something that is in disobedience to what I have told him. I will ask, “Do you know what the Bible says about disobeying mommy?” They say “No”. I tell them it says, “Children obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right” (Ephesians 6:1). I may ask them, “Do you want to obey God and what the Bible says?” And I pray they answer “Yes!”  If not, we go from there. The other day we were sitting at the dinner table eating and Allie wanted Rob to get her a cup from the cupboard and fill it with water. She notified him that “the Bible says to be nice and share” hoping that would motivate him to do what she wanted. She didn't quote Scripture, but a close Scripture reference to that situation is Hebrews 13:16 “And do not forget to do good and to share with others for with such sacrifices God is pleased.” But, I was so encouraged that she’s at least thinking about what the Bible says in a given situation. I believe it is in part because we as her parents talk to her referring to the Bible. It works!

My thoughts:   I think that with any child training book, it is never too late to start trying! I didn’t start this method as soon as I started disciplining and training my kids, but I’m glad I started while they were still young. One of my personal goal as a parent is that I can lead my children to God, point them to Him in every situation and decision, that they know their ultimate authority in everything is not mom and dad, but God Himself. They will leave home one day, and I desire they won’t live based on what I think and say, but on what God says. Yes, I want them to honor and respect me and my husband as their parents, but I want my children to fear and respect the Lord above all else. This book is a tremendous resource for child training and explaining words we use often in regards to it. I think even if your kids are grown this is a great approach to take when talking to them about life, decisions, relationships, etc…asking “What does the Bible say about it?” It is our manual in life…Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth! 

“And these words, which I am commanding you today, shall be on your heart; and you shall teach them diligently to your sons and shall talk of them when you sit in your house and when you walk by the way and when you lie down and when you rise up. And you shall bind them as a sign on your hand and they shall be as frontals on your forehead. And you shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates.”  ~Deuteronomy 6:6-9

Passage from "The Ministry of Motherhood"

"When we take the opportunity to expose our children to the glory of God displayed in a rainbow or powerful ocean waves or a star-studded night sky, we are helping them understand that there is a Being much bigger than themselves who created the universe and holds it together with his power. When we tell them about our answered prayers and those amazing 'coincidences' that confirm God's presence in our lives, we help them realize that God is close and caring and active in our daily circumstances. When we explain the things we have been able to do in the Holy Spirit's power that we couldn't accomplish alone, we help them understand how God works and what he can accomplish through us. As we tell them 'look' and 'observe,' we instill the hope that a supernatural Being more powerful than we can understand intervenes in time and space to help us and to interact with our lives."

                               ~Sally Clarkson, The Ministry of Motherhood, pg. 85

Book Review: The Mommy Manual

The Mommy Manual

(Planting roots that give your children wings)   By Barbara Curtis

Overview:  This book is divided into three main parts: treasures (keys to joyful motherhood and childhood), measures (keys to serving and character), and pleasures (keys to cultural heritage and family legacy). There are a variety of hints/tips/suggestions throughout the book. For example, seven strategies that build a strong work ethic and twenty ways to encourage reading. 

Few Quotes:  “To be happy, don’t do whatever you like, like whatever you do!”

“God doesn’t call the equipped. He equips the called.”

“If you want to be treated like a princess act like a servant. If you want to be treated like a servant, act like a princess.”

My thoughts: I think this book is extremely helpful and resourceful. I need ideas in my parenting and like to try them. One thing Barbara encourages you to do is observe your children. Watch them and learn about them. Take the time to write some notes down as you watch your child throughout a day. I did that with my two children (at the time) and learned a lot about them. I look back on this list from years ago and see that some things on the list I made are still the same (character qualities, likes and dislikes) and there are others that were weaknesses that they have overcome. 

Specific points I gleaned from the book:

--see the world my children see…see myself through my children's eyes (they imitate what they   

   see in me)

--be a confident parent…try to my best ability not to perfection

--be willing to do things different in order for things to function better

--have a child friendly home…a child’s workplace

My Personal Application:  Something I initiated in our lives after reading the book was “Waffle Wednesdays”. I loved the last section of the book on traditions and the importance of them for your family and kids. We already had many in place in regards to Easter, Christmas, and birthdays. However, we didn’t have a frequent one for our kids to remember.  We love waffles and so I started “Waffle Wednesdays”. The first reason I made it that day was to limit our sugary breakfast intake to once a week. Secondly, it was easy to remember with the double W sound for the kids. They loved the idea and to this day they still declare "It's Waffle Wednesday”-they know what’s for breakfast every Wednesday!