Some Really Good Marriage Advice

This is an excellent book and I've read it more than once! My mother-in-law gave it to me early on in our marriage and I'm so thankful that she did! I have learned so much about being a godly, feminine, woman and wife. It has shaped my life and role as a wife. I love the countless, encouraging testimonies throughout the book, as well.

The author shares countless pieces of wisdom that I've found helpful. But, three chapters which profoundly impacted my marriage and relationship with my husband:

1.)  Accept him!

           Find the good in him, accept him as he is "today" and even if he never changes. Accept his right to be himself and accept his needs. Accept his faults (personal habits, use of time and money, social behavior, etc). Don't compare him to other men you see that would be great examples for him to follow.

2.)  Appreciate him!

This has to do with gratitude, respect and his ego. Show him appreciation daily. Appreciate his character, intelligence and what he does for you. Especially communicate appreciation for him when he's out of his comfort zone-doing something to bless me.

3.)  Admire him!

Respect his judgement, his abilities & his communication. Respect him in public and respect him in my assumptions of him

When I first read this book many years ago, I realized that I was having a hard time accepting some things about my husband. These were things that I wanted him to change and thought I had the power to change in him. These were the things that made me mad, frustrated, angry and resentful. These were the things that were my expectations of him.
So, I got out a piece of paper and wrote down each one of these things. Then, I prayed. I verbally spoke out loud that I accepted my husband for each thing as I went down the list. I relinquished control over my husband to God. I resolved that I would accept him for who he is. Then, I tore up the piece of paper, never to be seen again.  There was no need to hang on to that list anymore. God changed my heart. I can honestly say, today,  I don't even remember everything I wrote on that list so many years ago. But, I do continue desire to be a wife that would accept her husband. I'm so thankful God helped me to see where I needed to change. God is so good.


I encourage every woman to read this book!

Book Review: The Money Saving Mom's Budget

Book Review: The Money Saving Mom's Budget (Slash your spending, Pay down your debt, Streamline your life, and Save Thousands a year) by Crystal Paine

  

Overview:

Crystal's book is an excellent book on living within your financial means, creating and living on a budget. It contains helpful resources. I appreciate Crystal's approach-slow and easy! She emphasizes to not try and do a complete overhaul overnight. She has an extremely thorough chapter on coupons. If you ever wanted help in using coupons, this is the book for you. At the end of the book, she also has an appendix on "10 tips for a successful garage sale" and "10 ways to earn an extra $100 per month."  There is also a list of websites and specific book recommendations on various topics.

A Few Quotes:

"If you want to get your finances in order, you must learn to say no. Not only do you need to learn to say no to overspending and no to buying things you can't afford, but first and foremost you must learn to say no to over-booking your life. You'll never be able to take control of your bank account or make significant traction toward your financial goals if you spend the bulk of your time running around like a chicken with its head cut off."

"When your children have a birthday and get new toys, have them choose the same number of old toys to get rid of. Without much effort, this rule keeps clutter from prolific breeding in the closets behind your back."

"A budget gives purpose to your money and it frees you up to enjoy living life rather than spending most of your time worrying about how you're going to afford to live."

"On occasion, challenge yourself to see how long you can go without going to the grocery store. When we do this, I often find we have a lot more food on hand than I realized."

My Thoughts:

Crystal's book is so valuable. It helped me to see that money itself is not the only thing that needs to be budgeted. Time and priorities show first and foremost where your money goes. Every hear the saying "show me your checkbook, and I'll show you where your heart is?" It's true. So, unexpectedly, I really got the most out of Crystal's chapter on setting personal goals, knowing what I'm good at, what I want to see happen in my life in the next 5-10 years and the end of my life. I did this and it really opened my eyes. I saw what is REALLY important to me. What goes across the board in all the areas I wrote down is where I found my priorities and where I'll deposit my time and money. For example, rather than buying a new outfit, I learned that if I really love to write, I'd rather put money towards a writer's workshop, some sort of class, or babysitter so that I can write. I like to look nice, but what's my goal? Crystal's book really helped me to think about my goals long term and how my finances affect them.

I loved her chapter towards the end of the book on contentment. It is so important to make a gratitude list and remember what I've been given by God-the list is endless. If I can keep a grateful perspective, it will help me remember that eternal things are much more precious than earthly, material things. God is so good!

 *You can check out Crystal's blog here.

       

Helpful Tip Tuesday: Respecting Your Husband

Looking through one of my old books I came across a list of good questions to ask myself from the book The Excellent Wife by Martha Peace... 

(Guess it's great for me to think these things in theory, but another for me to actually do it!)

Respecting Your Husband...A Self-Assessment

1.  Do you speak to your husband in a condescending "put down" manner?

For example:

"What's the matter with you?"

"Anybody could have done better than you did."

"My Dad would have never done that."

"Can't you do anything right?"

"I should have known better than to depend on you."

"Don't be stupid."

"What you just said is ridiculous."

"You old fool!"

"You're too slow, I'll do it myself."

It is better to live in a desert land, than with a contentious and vexing woman.  Proverbs 21:19

2.  Do you treat your husband in private as respectful as you do your pastor, your neighbor, or your friends in public?

Honor all men, love the brotherhood, fear God, honor the King.  1 Peter 2:17

3.  Does your countenance show your disrespect by angry looks, looks of disgust, crossed arms, etc?

Then the LORD said to Cain, "Why are you angry? And why has your countenance fallen? "If you do well, will not your countenance be lifted up? And if you do not do well, sin is crouching at the door; and its desire is for you, but you must master it."  Genesis 4:6-7

4.  Do you talk for your husband or interrupt him?

Love is patient...does not act unbecomingly, it does not seek its own (way)... 1 Corinthians 13:4-5 

5.  Do you try to intimidate or bully your husband by making threats, verbally attacking him, crying, or in some other way manipulating him to have your way?

The wise woman builds her house, but the foolish tears it down with her own hands.  Proverbs 14:1 

6.  Do you bring up his shortcomings to others?

Her husband is known in the gates...Proverbs 31:23

7.  Do you inappropriately contradict him in front of others?

She does him good and not evil all the days of her life.  Proverbs 31:12

8.  Do you compare him unfavorably with other men?

...for I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am.  Philippians 4:11

9.  Do you listen carefully to your husband's opinion, trying to understand him?

Let everyone be quick to hear, slow to speak...James 1:19

10.  Do you respect his position in the home so much that he can depend on you to do as he asks even when he is not home?

The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain.  Proverbs 31:11

11.  Do you respect his requests by trying to do as he asks, even if it doesn't seem important to you?

For in this way in former times the holy women also, who hoped in God, used to adorn themselves, being submissive to their own husbands.  1 Peter 3:5

12.  Would your husband say that you have a meek and a quiet spirit? If you do, it will be apparent in how you treat him.

And let not your adornment be merely external braiding the hair, and wearing gold jewelry, or putting on dresses; but let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the imperishable quality of a gently and quiet spirit, which is precious in the sight of God.  1 Peter 3:3-4

13.  Are you obeying God by being respectful to your husband?

...let the wife see to it that she respect her husband.  Ephesians 5:33

Quote from Elisabeth Elliot

"A wife, if she is very generous, may allow that her husband lives up to eighty percent of her expectations. There is always the other twenty percent that she would like to change, and she may chip away at it for the whole of their married life without reducing it by very much. She may, on the other hand, simply decide to enjoy the eighty percent, and both of them will be happy."

~Elisabeth Elliot, as quoted in Feminine Appeal

Helpful Tip Tuesday: 7 rules to a good, clean fight

"1. Before we begin we must both agree that the time is right.

 2. We will remember that our only battle aim is a deeper understanding of each other.

 3. We will check our weapons often to be sure they're not deadly.

 4. We will lower our voices instead of raising them.

 5. We will never quarrel in public nor reveal private matters.

 6. We will discuss an armistice whenever either of us calls "halt."

 7. When we have come to terms we will put it away until we both agree it needs more discussing."

~Taken from Letters to Karen by Charlie W. Shedd

Quote from Martin Luther

"Let the wife make the husband glad to come home, and let him make her sorry to see him leave."

 

~ Martin Luther

How To Treat A Man

Quote on Husbands

"Not surprisingly, men said they judge themselves-and feel that others judge them-based on the happiness and respect of their wives."

~Shaunti Feldhahn, For Women Only

Book Review: For Women Only

An Extremely Useful Tool to Understanding Men

     My husband and I were away on a vacation with my family and stopped inside a Christian bookstore. We love to browse the book aisles, since we both love to read. We were on a mission to pick out a book for me and he decided he’d help me choose one. One by one he started picking up books until he stopped. He was focused on one book only and would not put it down for awhile.  It was For Women Only (what you need to know about the inner lives of men) by Shaunti Feldhahn. I was curious-what did he think about it? 

I asked him and he said immediately, “You should get this one!” 

Really? I thought. So, I asked him, “Why?”

He bluntly stated, “You need to read this.”

I said, “Okay.” I trust my husband’s judgment and we headed to the cash register.

Best For:  Any woman who wants to know what the universal needs of men are, women that want to be good wives to their husbands, women that want to prepare themselves for marriage & know ahead of time what their husband will need

photo source: istockphoto

Overview:   This book reveals the responses of men to questions regarding their needs. Although it is written by Shaunti, she is simply communicating what men would say to their wives if they could. She did a study of “Four hundred men across the country, ranging in age from twenty-one to seventy-five, answered two dozen questions about their lives and about how they think what they feel, and what they need.”  After this survey Feldhahn did a “more informal follow-up survey of another four hundred anonymous men-this time, specifically churchgoers-to ask a few additional questions (and some of the same ones).” Then, she did one Decision Analyst survey and said, “Amazingly, across all these surveys there were very few differences.”

Seven needs of men Shaunti Feldhahn discusses are:

                                                1.       “Men need respect”

                                                     2.       “Men are insecure”

                                                      3.       “Men are providers”

                                                        4.       “Men want more sex”

                                                5.       “Men are visual”

                                                                  6.       “Men are unromantic clods”

                                                                      7.       “Men care about appearance”

Few Quotes:

“A man might think of it like this: If she doesn’t trust me in something as small as finding my way along a road, why would she trust me in something important, like being a good breadwinner or a good father? If she doesn’t respect me in this small thing, she probably doesn’t really respect me at all.”

One man said, “If a man’s wife is supportive and believes in him, he can conquer the world-or at least his little corner of it. He will do better at work, at home, everywhere. By contrast, very few men can do well at work or at home if their wives make them feel inadequate.”

“For your husband, sex is more than just a physical need. Lack of sex is as emotionally serious to him as, say, his sudden silence would be to you, were he simply to stop communicating with you. It is just as wounding to him, just as much a legitimate grievance-and just as dangerous to your marriage.”

“Since men are so visual, seeing us make the effort to look good makes them feel loved and cared for. It matters to them in the same way it matter to us when we notice our husbands making an effort to do things that make us feel loved-especially when they are things that are difficult or don’t come naturally.”

My Thoughts:   I think Shaunti did an excellent job revealing the needs of men. I was really enticed to read the book based on the fact that it was compiled with the answers of men, of all types of backgrounds. Even more so, because my husband told me to read it (ie. things he wishes he could tell me). It proved to me that there are basic needs that my husband has, simply due to the way God designed him to be.

     I especially love the chapter on the five needs a man has in regards to respect. Her points on this need are insightful and helpful. I should probably write them down and put it on my nightstand, so I can read it everyday.

     A little side note, I think her list of suggestions for women whose husbands struggle with lust is incomplete. Although it is a small part of the book, I feel it's worth mentioning.

     I love how Shaunti ends the book with such sweet, encouraging words from husbands that share how they really love their wives. The number one thing men wanted to tell their wife was, "I want her to know how much I love her."

     I walked away from this book feeling very selfish. How many times do I think about what I want and need versus my husband’s wants and needs? Do I even know what they are for him personally?  It made me think that if I want a happy, fulfilling marriage, I cannot live for myself and have the right to the title “wife” or “Mrs. ____.” Reading this book challenged me to know and meet the needs of my husband. It's what God has called me to do.

     In regards to meeting his need for respect, I confess that I tried to go on a "No Control Date" once. It's when I went on a date and tried not to say anything controlling-ie."turn here" when he's driving, nor "we have to go", or "do we have to stop and get money to pay the babysitter?". I didn't tell him I was doing this. I just did it, and failed. I couldn't go through a whole date without saying something that that was probably communicating disrespect to him. I realized I needed to work on this area. Great lesson and we had a good laugh later when I told him about it. But, I have to say that I have attempted to appeal to his visual need and he unexpectedly complimented me one day. My paraphrase--He told me that he could tell I was trying and that it meant a lot to him. Yes, I was surprised. It works! I've learned my "trying" to meet his needs really does say "I love you!" to my husband.

      All said and done, I’m thankful my husband suggested this book to me. I gained wisdom to help me reach my goal…to be the best wife possible for him. Shaunti summed it all up when she said, “The more we understand the men in our lives, the better we can support and love them in the way they need to be loved.”

The Power of a Praying Wife by Stormie OMartian

               

The main point of this book is that prayer is powerful. What is prayer? Prayer is talking to God from your heart-being honest, open, and humble in your own words you speak to Him. Prayer is not something formal, it's casual. It's sharing your heart with God. One of the many amazing things about God is that He always delights to hear us talk to Him.
Stormie says in the beginning of her book that prayer is “relying on God’s power to transform you, your husband, your circumstances, and your marriage.” The greatest thing I can do as a wife is pray for myself and my husband. Stormie clearly lays out a plan for praying for 30 specific areas (first one being you the wife) to pray for.  When I first saw the book, I thought wow there are so many areas I can pray for my husband that I never thought about. Thankfully, I have been enlightened!

Stormie sets about to pray for one specific area per chapter, but first starts out each chapter by talking about a personal story or example or words of wisdom from the Bible that God has shown her about that area.

Here’s a list of specific areas Stormie addresses:

1.       His Wife

2.       His Work

3.       His Finances

4.       His Sexuality

5.       His Affection

6.       His Temptations

7.       His Mind

8.       His Fears

9.       His Purpose

10.    His Choices

11.    His Health

12.    His Protection

13.    His Trials

14.    His Integrity

15.    His Reputation

16.    His Priorities

17.    His Relationships

18.    His Fatherhood

19.    His Past

20.    His Attitude

21.    His Marriage

22.    His Emotions

23.    His Walk

24.    His Talk

25.    His Repentance

26.    His Deliverance

27.    His Obedience

28.    His Self-Image

29.    His Faith

30.    His Future

I personally wanted to continue to pray for these areas for my husband, so I typed them out and made it into a bookmark in my Bible. So, when I would spend my time with God reading and praying, I would see the list and continue to go through it praying one each day.

Also, I didn’t feel I had to word my prayers exactly as Stormie did verbatim when praying for my husband, but I’m thankful she offers that in her book as a launching pad for my own prayers. It’s not about saying a specific prayer over and over again exactly the same way. It’s about having a right heart about what I’m praying for and trusting God to move in those areas.

A wise word someone shared with me going along with this is, “Don’t pray for others what you cannot pray for yourself!” i.e. Deliver them from pride…I must be willing to pray that for myself.

Stormie is very encouraging when she says, “There is a time to speak and a time not to speak, and happy is the man whose wife can discern between the two.” Sometimes it’s better to be quiet and pray about it!
Happy Praying!